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Shitty Love Songs

There are love songs for every occasion: from infatuation ("I Only Have Eyes for You") to recrimination ("You Oughta Know"), from coy flirtation ("Tea for Two") to ravenous concupiscence ("Darling Nikki"). Some of the best use rhetorical tricks to make their point: I've always had a soft spot for Dan Fogelberg's syrupy "Longer," with its dippy hyperbole about the length and breadth of his love for his partner ("Longer than there've been fishes in the ocean/Higher than any bird ever flew"), maybe because I heard it a lot at weddings when I was a kid. The far better but more thorny "God Only Knows" also uses hyperbole, but in a singularly arresting way: It pairs jaw-droppingly negative opening lines ("I may not always love you," and "If you should ever leave me/Though life would still go on, believe me") with their abject refutation ("But as long as there are stars above you/You n

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